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Hearts were made...

...To be broken by Love. <3

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February 28th, 2011

If you could get a free, unlimited supply of one food for life, what would you choose?

cake. definitely victoria sponge cake. mmmmmh.

or lasagne. mmmmh.

or or or. bread. mmmmmh.

July 8th, 2010

(no subject)

everything in the last two months has happened too quickly.

i need to post an update on here about everything soon, but my head is so messed up.

i don't think i've ever wanted someone so much as i do right now. not really anyone in particular... just someone.
someone who will know i'm upset & just turn up on my doorstep with nothing but the biggest hug in the world & an "everything's gonna be okay."

noone's ever said that to me. noone's ever seen me upset, held me close & said that everything will be okay. noone's ever had the balls to say it &/or make it happen.

fml, i hope someone does soon. :(

life couldn't be more shit right now.

(i know you're thanking karma right now, & in all honesty, i know i deserve it. so sshh.)

April 21st, 2010

The Darkest April.

sitting under our tree in the dark
wondering where it is you are
singin' the songs we used to know
remnants of times & places we'd go
& i know, time hasn't gone so slow.

in my mind i still see the rain fall
but you were there so i forgot it all
your body my safe place, you kept me dry
it was stupid at the time but we didn't care why
& i know this time i'll get by

'cause you're everything
but you're nothing at all
i won't let you catch me
even if i fall
forever & always seems so long ago
& i know, it's time to let go

hands shake mind spins out of control
i feel the cold creeping into my soul
& i know this means i could lose it all
but this is not the time for feeling small
& i know, i shouldn't take the fall

'cause you're everything
but you're nothing at all
i won't let you catch me
even if i fall
forever & always seems so long ago
& i know, it's time to let go

the darkest april is with me
3 years since everything felt so right
sitting under our tree in the middle of the night
& i know, someday i'll find the light.

i've been seeing daniel for a while now, & every time i see him it gets worse. i just want to jump on him & wrap myself around him & never let go.
i had an argument with charlie about me seeing other people, he certainly wasn't happy about it, but i really don't want to lose him before i've even given him a chance.
daniel came to see me sunday night, just after the argument, 'cause i really felt shit. it was so lovely just being around him, he hasn't changed in that respect. it felt like old times, he was being cutesy with me & cuddley & kept giving me little kisses & wrapping his arms around me. we just cuddled on the sofa for ages & nearly fell asleep there, like we used to.

i was then antisocial for a couple days, mostly with charlie, 'cause i really had to think about things.

i basically had two choices,
keep seeing daniel & hope it turns into something special & lose charlie, who already makes me feel special & adores me, & risk daniel turning psycho again & hurting me more than before,
stop seeing daniel, move on, & try to focus on charlie & pretty much everything be wonderful, but always be missing daniel.

i went for a walk last night around midnight & wrote the above song.
i didn't walk far, only to the park around the corner, but it holds so many memories for me.
i decided to sit down under our tree, which is where, one horrible rainy day we were walking back from somewhere & sought shelter under this particular tree. he leaned on it & i was sat leaning on him, & it was so cold he wrapped his hoodie round me & pretty much tied me to him. i felt so safe. he had a bag of rainbow drops that he kept popping into my mouth, but was being funny with them & throwing them so i could try & catch them in my mouth from where i was sat. they kept hitting my eyes instead so i threw them at his face & got them in his eyes too. so many rainbow drops were wasted that day :') but that's what we did, we threw them at each other. it was our thing. xD

the stars were out last night too.

noone else was around, so i sang a few of our songs. it was so peaceful.

i'm trying to convince myself that i should let go, & that i should just wait til june for charlie, but the thought of not being that intimate with dan again upsets me. after all that time without it, i finally got what i've been missing & now i have to give it all up again. it's like i'm trying to get over him again & i don't like it.

i guess, i have to move on & trust that charlie will be worth it. i mean, he already is, i guess. he's sweet enough. i just, i've been there before. finding someone who sweeps me off my feet & i trust enough to give my heart, but then it all comes crashing down again eventually. i don't want to get hurt again. i can't get hurt again. but really, i'm hurting now anyway. i'm hurting without daniel, but there's no way i could hurt charlie. no way. i'm just scared :(

April 13th, 2010

so i've come to the conclusion that i really can't let go of my past & my confused feelings towards daniel are far too confused & upsetting.

i miss the lazy sunday afternoons, walking up to his to wake him up by jumping on him then attempting to watch a film all cuddled up & then falling asleep til a silly time in the evening.

i hope i can stop thinking about all of this soon, so i can focus on charlie more.

i'm determined to go to helsinki at new year to go to the helldone festival. it'll be beautiful.
& i just found ou that HIM are playing download, so somehow i will be there to see them. <3

i just want it to be the end of may now so i can get to the best month of my summer, june. it'll be fantastic.

work have given me more hours, so yay money :) means i can get my tattoo soon! i've decided which one it'll be & where it will be. i haven't told many people so i'm trying to keep it a surprise, & then just randomly have it done. i think i'll only tell one person when i'm getting it done, & that'll be whoever comes with me to hold my hand. i'm so excited! :D

i have a lot of people to see this week, but only 3 days in which to do so. this'll be interesting. D:

i'm so very very tired. i want more than anything to go & find him & hit him & tell him to sort himself out so we can work it out.... but, i can't do that. everything's too complicated :(

April 9th, 2010

Hello, shiney new lj account.

my previous one was getting clogged up with far too much depressing stuff, so i'ma try my best to keep this one a little more optimistic & simple.

if i have something sad to say, i might write something brief about it but not too detailed.

so here goes, first, new entry.

today was boring for the most part, i was meant to be going to bedford with anna, but a communicational error prevented this, so i just stayed in all day until i had to go to wellingborough for my appointment.

i had a feeling something bad was gonna happen but i went & got my happy meal afterwards, & then trundled over to the bus stop. the bus got there, & normally it sits in welli for a few minutes, but this time it left straight away, which was strange. it wasn't until it got to irchester that the driver decided something was wrong & realised the bus was leaking petrol or something. they called out for a rescue bus but i had already called dax to come & get me. i walked through irchester & got beeped at by several boy racers (i somehow knew wearing shorts today was gonna be a bad idea.) & i got scared 'cause it was dark, but then dax found me & we drove off, then had a good bitch about everything for two hours. mostly about bean, & his unacceptable behaviour towards me on monday night.

it was a good chat, but by the time i got in it was nearly 11pm & i felt bad for charlie 'cause i said i'd be around at half 8 to talk to him.

we've spoken now though & he should be home in an hour to talk again. i actually hate the 5 hour time difference. it's so frustrating. i can't wait til june when we're in the same room let alone time zone haha. :)

that was my day. very boring, for the most part.

eating half an easter egg
getting a load of angst off my chest
talking to charlie. <3
happy meal

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